Bachelor Recap: It’s Time for the Hometown Low-Down

There are certain moments in a dating relationship that one never forgets: The first kiss; the first vacation together; or the first time you realize the man you’re dating has bigger boobs than you do, for instance. For Bachelor Ben Higgins, there is no shortage of unforgettable moments tonight when he meets the parents of the four remaining women for the first time.

AMANDA STANTON: Go Fly a Kite

Ben and Amanda

Ben’s first date is with Amanda in picturesque Laguna Beach, the neighboring town to Newport Beach, where I grew up. They have a picnic on the beach at Treasure Island, a quaint private beach area.

Amanda’s two little girls are dropped off at the beach and let me say that they are the cutest things!

Amanda and her adorable daughters

These adorable girls are a perfect example of what girls look like before they grow up and buy into the great lie of Orange County: You are not enough!

Saying of her girls to Ben, “They love it if you chase them!” Which might be good since men love the chase.

Ben spends some time coloring and flying a kite with the girls. Yet, he still looks as out of place on this date as real boobs look in Orange County.

The youngest child cries the ENTIRE drive to her house, which makes him look nauseous and car sick.

Meet the Parents

John and Michelle are Amanda’s parents. Mom asks Ben if he has any reservations about taking on the responsibility of being a dad. Ben says he never really thought about it until he met Amanda. Which mom admits make her very cautious.

Look at it this way, Ben can be an instant Papa and “Shake it like a Polaroid Papa!” #okaythatwasdumb

Oh my goodness, will someone please fix that crooked lampshade? Me thinks this may be a foreshadowing of what’s to come next week for Caila.

LAUREN BUSHNELL: Whiskey-a-Go-Girl

Ben and Lauren

On Lauren B’s hometown date, the 25-year-old flight attendant takes Ben on a tour of all the hot spots in Portland, Oregon.  “Fun Fact: Portland is the city of roses.” But we’re not seeing a single stem.

They sample some food from food trucks, and walk around town. Y’all, this season of The Bachelor is monumental. We have now seen two instances of people actually eating on the show! OMG.

That stands for Open My Gills.

Next they go to a Whiskey Library. (Ugh, pretty sure she said liberry). Oh my English major ears!

Dear Ben, forget all these girls, marry that whiskey bar!!!

Seriously, where do I get a library card for this place? And more importantly, are you hiring any “Librarian?” Wink. Wink.

So, on one hand we have a girl that took him to the beach with her sobbing kids to color and get sandy. On this hand, whiskey!

Lauren says Ben makes her feel comfortable. Apparently too comfortable based on the lack of attention to your hair.

Meet the Parents

Regardless of her mop, the two really connect, but Lauren B’s sister, Mollie, isn’t so sure about their relationship. She grills Ben with some “serious questions.”

“How do I know you’re not saying the same thing to other families?” I’m not trying to grill you.” (Yes you are, Mollie)

If I’m on one knee and asking Lauren to marry me, it’s because I mean it.

And then Ben starts weeps.

He tells her dad that his feelings for her have been continuing to grow, something dad likes to hear.

He asks Ben how he’s coping and he candidly says, “Not well.”

“I feel very happy,” Lauren tells her parents. “He’s the most likable, genuine, honest guy and someone I’d like to spend the rest of my life with.”

And if I’m being genuine and honest with America, Ben is wearing my exact Bitmoji outfit. HA

In a nutshell, Ben cried…Lauren cried…the parents cried….the sister cried….let’s wrap this puppy up and just give Lauren the ring.

CAILA QUINN – A Toy Story

Ben and Caila

Caila and Ben go to Caila’s hometown of Hudson, Ohio. They walk around Western Reserve Academy, where she attended school. And we notice all the moss on the nearby trees. Hmmmmm….

Caila throws out, “my dad’s a CEO of a toy factory” so she invites him to build a toy.

That’s cute Caila, my dad drives for Uber so I’ll invite him to pick Ben up for our date.

At the toy factory, they design a toy house together. A toy house? Wait, are we back in Orange County where everything’s plastic?

Meet the Parents

Next, Ben arrives to Caila’s family home, carrying the same bouquet of flowers he’ll give each mom. They “eat” Filipino food – stare at it is more like it.

He then faces Caila’s dad, who wants to be sure the 27-year-old is “worthy of his daughter.”

“Marriage is a vow you take for life”…..Ben swallows.  Hard…

Caila should tell her dad about the special times she’s had with Ben. Like being in a hot tub. In a spa store. With Kevin Hart.

My main observation of this marginal hometown date is that Caila is WAY too old to call her parents “mommy and daddy” while talking about marriage. It confuses the viewing audience. Namely, ME!

JOJO FLETCHER – Leave the Drama for your Mama

Dumping JoJo is a No No

Dumping JoJo is a No No

Dallas is Ben’s final stop on the hometown date tour. Ben is excited to reconnect with JoJo, but an “unexpected surprise” leaves the 24-year-old real estate developer in tears and throws everything out the window right from the start.

She returns home to find flowers and a letter waiting for her at her front door. The letter professes undying love to her. The only problem is this gift and letter is from her Ex, not Ben.  She is broken in half and a bit angry that “Chad” is opening the wound back up. Particularly right in the middle of her trying to establish something new – and with an entire camera crew conveniently there to tape it no less.

She calls Chad on the phone to confront him and he says “I have literally gone through so much and I’ve realized what I want for the future from having this time away — and it’s you!”

“Why are you doing this now?” (Duh, because ABC asked him to!)

Chad: “I don’t want to lose you.” If you’re done with me, tell me right now.” (Of course his name is Chad! That’s totally a Chad move right there)

A knock on the door interrupts the drama. It’s Ben.

She answers it crying and lets out a HUGE Texas sigh.

She explains in an exasperated breath that there were flowers. And a letter. And her ex has come to his senses and has resurfaced and wants her back.

But she assures Ben that she’s very happy right now and there’s no going back for her, and she doesn’t want him to think for a second that her feelings are elsewhere.

“I can genuinely say I’ve never been this excited about someone. Ever.”  — Isn’t it amazing what TV cameras can do, JoJo?

Ben and JoJo spend the entire day crying in Dallas.

Makes sense. That’s what Cowboy fans do all day too. HA!

Meet the Parents

Ben and JoJo arrive at her parent’s home. Once thru the front door, her brothers attack her with kisses and hugs. And more kisses. And maybe a little fondling?  Yikes. Her brothers are a little bit creepy. They seem overly jealous (and affectionate) and one of them says, “We’re really attached. Like REALLY, REALLY, REALLY attached.” Translation: We have an unhealthy attachment to our sister.

They immediately pull Ben into another room and asks if their sister is going to get hurt or end up really happy? To which Ben has a weak response.

Jojo’s brothers give me some Game of Thrones vibes.

In another room mom and daughter are talking: “Mom, I don’t want to get hurt.” “You won’t get hurt, mom replies. “You’re beautiful.”

I’m sorry, what? You just told your daughter that she won’t get hurt because of her looks? – As if to imply only butter-faces get their hearts broken?

Worst. Parenting. Advice. EVER.

What a negligent and flippant response that feeds into young girls believing that looks can open doors for them. That is a fallacy and a maddening thing to say to a young lady. It’s who you are internally, not externally, that matters. (You hear me, Lee girls?)

Awwww… it’s adorable that JoJo’s dad looks exactly like Dr. Phil. But without the face foundation. Or the veneers.

At this part of the evening, the brothers get a little bit more protective and upset (as if that was possible). The one bro is throwing out some major molestation vibes. Whoa, back up, buttercup!

Can we get a Family Counselor in here STAT? This family is more unsettling than Jerry Jones’ face.

There’s loving your sister. Then, there’s “LOVING” your sister.

But truthfully, I think the real victims tonight are the women who have decided to have relationships with Jojo’s brothers.

The best part of the night, however, is when JoJo’s mom drinks straight from the wine bottle. It didn’t faze me. That’s how we do it in Texas. Hashtag: Hand Me a Straw!

Chug-a-Lug, Lady!

This is a little too much, even for Ben.  Seriously, if I was “the guy” on the Bachelor, I’d make all the girls play Call of Duty for 8 weeks straight then I’d pick the girl with the coolest family.

ROSE CEREMONY

How Ben must feel at this very moment: now:

“This week has by far blown me away…to see the people who have lived alongside you in your life, meant a lot to me. Thank you for inviting me in.” – Ben

First rose goes to Lauren.

Caila gets the second rose. Her mommy and daddy must be so happy.

Caila, as she accepts the rose: "We're gonna be so happy togetherrr!"

Caila, as she accepts the rose: “We’re gonna be so happy togetherrr!”

The final rose of the night goes to JoJo.

As everyone guessed, Amanda is going back home to her two little girls. Despite a few tears in the limo, Amanda departs with incredible class and dignity. Thatta girl!

Amanda said she never would’ve introduced her kids to Ben if she wasn’t falling in love with him. But once she agreed to be on this show that was no longer her decision.

It’s alright, Amanda didn’t win Ben’s heart but she won everyone else’s.

When your mom gets sent home from The Bachelor...

When your mom gets sent home from The Bachelor…

IMPORTANT NOTE:  I’d like to dedicate this recap of The Bachelor to all the young girls out there who watch this disaster of a show– I’m looking at you Maddie, Cate and Abi Lee in Atlanta, GA. {Smile}

Young ladies of America, PLEASE remember that you are each wonderfully and divinely created. Regardless of whether or not a guy gives you a rose or advances you to the “next round” in his dating process, you are a prize!

Furthermore, one woman’s success doesn’t come at another woman’s failure, as is portrayed in this show. You are a prize with or without a man. So always stand in confidence, even if you’re being dumped. And celebrate the women around you, rather than tearing them down, because women need to encourage one another more. xoxo

That’s all for this week, rose lovers. Feel free to follow me on Twitter and have yourselves a remarkable, joy-filled week!

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