Logging off from ‘Weiner’net Dating
Oh sweet cheeks, look at you just sitting there as deflated as a beach ball in December! I know, I know. This whole online dating process just makes you want to choke a baby or slap your own face with a frozen trout, doesn’t it? And regardless of whether you’re miserable about being single, marginally [...]
Camshafted in Texas
“This is Texas. Change your plates or move back,” read the Post-It© note that someone stuck on my side-mirror a few months ago. “To hell with California” it continued. “WAIT, WHAT? Why didn’t someone tell me much sooner that I am in Texas? This whole time I just thought I was in Riverside,” I [...]
Help! I’m a Facebook Crackhead
It is midnight on a Wednesday and I just deactivated my Facebook account. This isn’t a big deal. Really, no big deal at all! Except for the fact that I’ve already reached for my cell phone seventeen-thousand times in a two-minute timeframe to refresh a screen that I knowingly cannot log into. GRIPES! [...]
Male Polish
I’ve purchased several bottles of nail polish simply because I’m inexplicably drawn to the name. I tend to gravitate toward varying shades of red with curious names such as “Double Decker Red,” “Raggedy Ann,” or “Trailer Park Red.” I am even the proud owner of one bottle of “Friar, Friar, Pants on Fire!” But more [...]
Messin’ with Texas
Wow, I have no idea how some girl named Debbie did all of Dallas when this one is just hoping to get a date in this state. Truth is, I didn’t move to Texas to find a man. I came to find fresh perspective. But now that I’m here, I’m feeling a bit like a foreigner [...]
An Open Letter to say THANK-UTE
Have you ever stood outside in the freezing cold for a long time but not until you were back inside a warm house, standing next to a roaring fireplace, did your teeth begin to chatter or your body start to shiver? I felt that way six weeks ago at my post-op doctor’s appointment when I heard my doctor [...]
Lost and Found
“I lost it,” she said as she stepped outside the bathroom stall. “Uh, you lost what?” I asked, a bit hesitant to hear the answer from one of nine young girls I’d been asked to counsel for a week of high school summer camp. “My tampon,” she mumbled in a long sigh of defeat. “Ah [...]
A one-eyed blog
My stylist is always telling me that I’m a “Spring.” That’s super! Until, of course, the warm tones in my cheeks begin to draw unnecessary attention to the chartreuse in my bruised and scabbed eyelid that’s now hiding behind an eye patch. Yes. You heard me right (or left in this case). I’m wearing an [...]
Things that dangle
There I was, both legs dangling. D-A-N-G-L-I-N-G… Dangling like that small fleshy lobe at the back of one’s throat. Dangling like a roadrunner stuck on your bumper. Dangling like male genitalia that gets caught in a zipper. Dangling like the bling around Flava Flav’s neck. Dangling like parasites hiding in a Kentucky mullet. Dangling like [...]
Male Order Bride
He walks into the bar most nights with his shoulders slouched down as his heavy feet scuff loudly against the cement floor – but not tonight. With dark eyes that match the hair dye he uses to color his thick and mangy toupee, the monochromatic rhythm of his personality seems to skip a beat this [...]
Debbie J. Smith