Online Dating Sighs, Err, I Mean Sites

Okay, so here’s the deal, I signed up one last time for an online dating site.

It’s been less than 48 hours and I’m already about to chop my own head off.  I can’t even get passed, or past, the grammatical errors to respond to any of the mass influx of Emails I’m receiving.

Take this ‘cut-n-pasted’ gem for instance (my comments are in parenthesis like an uptight Teacher):

“Hi there.  Don’t be afraid of what my opinion of you will be cuz I would tell you how you should run the path

(What?  That sentence doesn’t make a minute of sense!).

I’m not a person who forces anyone to do anything they don’t want to do

(Shoot, I so desperately wanted to be tossed around like a rag doll).

We are all growns up (really, ‘growns’ up) adults and should be able to do what we want to do without be judged or babysatted. (Babysatted? This is me the English major here, breaking out in a red, bumpy rash right now!).

I’m just a regular guy who is trying to fine (you mean find) a single women who wants to fine (once again sir, it’s ‘find!’) that person and spend quality time with.

My own time is important to me and that is why I’m on this site to put all my hearts (How many hearts do you have exactly?) and efforts to make a relationship work. I love animals. (Ok, really creepy because that was really random!).

Would you consider in going in out on a date (uh, going in or going out? -I’m confused). Consider this as a start of a pheasent conversation for me to meet your standards.” (Pheasant? Perfect. I like birds…Go Arizona Cardinals!)

Aye!!!  Besides my inability to look past a complete and utter botching of the mother tongue, it turns out that there are some other very painful things to endure when online dating.

First, minus a few promising exceptions, it appears the landscape is littered with…well….I’ll try and be nice here, hard up, middle-aged, marginal looking, single fathers who, in what must be a cathartic moment of self-examination, characterize themselves as being “good looking.”

(I suspect even those that call themselves “average” are carrying some extra lbs as evidenced in the beer belly that hangs front, and no longer center, in their profile photos).

And whom, judging from their profiles, have ZERO options other than to message random people in the hopes that SOMEONE, ANYONE might respond favorably (and, yes, I’ve done the exact same thing with a few “promising exceptions” that completely ignored me–ha ha).

Now don’t get me wrong, as they say “There’s an ASS for every seat” (or is it a seat for every ASS?).  I am not caught up in looks at all.  I am way more attracted to character and personality.  But one cannot completely ignore the outside.  Who does that?

Last time I checked, not many women on any dating site were looking for a fat, short, balding, man with no job, no style, bad hygiene and a back that looked like a finely fluffed afghan rug. (Although from what I hear, and given my limited experience, that’s what usually shows up unexpectedly at one’s door).

I don’t mind the single father part in the least bit. In fact, given that my own step-parents have been some of the most important and influential people in my own life, I would welcome it.

And I don’t mind the middle-aged part. Hell, we’re peers!

But the part I DO very much mind, however, is the part where they think its okay to Email me a shirtless picture with a caption that reads, “Yummy. Take a lick!”

Or, attach a picture of a teddy bear that says, “I Love You” when I have yet to return one single Email… {SIGH}