The year was 2009. I was footloose and fancy free and living in Aspen for the winter.
The following story prompted this, my first blog post. And thus began SMITH WIT:
Not all dates are going to be note-worthy. But some are.
Having friends all over the country who want me to find that “special someone,” I’ve become a bit of a national dating project. So, I tend to say yes to every blind-date, match-making set-up with the belief that, “at the very least, it will make for a good story.”
Take this little gem of an evening for example.
Note: Not one element of the story was changed or embellished…and sadly, this doesn’t even out-rank my worst date. With that, I give you…
TEN INDICATIONS IT WAS A BAD FIRST DATE:
It’s Superbowl weekend (Cards vs Steelers) and he shows up wearing Pittsburgh Steelers sweatpants – and you used to cheer for the Arizona Cardinals!!! The rivalry isn’t the issue. The issue is he’s wearing sweatpants. WITH elastic bottoms!
He has two coolers full of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the back of his car…
He forgot ice.
Did I mention his car is an old, blue Mini Van? I’m not kidding!!! – Oh, and there are no seats in the back. I don’t even wanna know why!!?
He has 5 minutes of hair left on his head that he’s fashioned into a comb-over.
“On our next date, I promise to wear hand moisturizer!”
He mentions the last three women he’s dated and how they’ve all dumped him but makes sure to point out, “ I promise they don’t think I’m weird!” (Really?! ‘Cause I do!)
He didn’t get the car door.
Or the chair.
But he did make sure he kept cheering “Go Steelers” at inappropriate times.
“So… Peggy…, I mean Betty, I meant to say Debbie, I know your name is Debbie!!!”
He excuses himself from the table stating, “I’m sorry, that Mexican food just ran right through me!”
(Oh Lord, Please Help Me!!!)
He’s in the restroom for twenty-seven minutes! (You heard me right…27!!!) So you make the most of it by putting two Cadillac Margaritas on his tab and have a delightful conversation with the three teenage boys at the next table…about the stimulus package.
The date has been over for 30 minutes when your phone rings. You cringe…it’s him. He ran out of gas between Aspen and Basalt. He asks if you happened to have noticed the flashing orange light on his dashboard?…
Uhh, no. I noticed the sweatpants and the warm coolers of PBR in your seatless-minivan!
He’s hoping you can meet him at the shuttle with a gas can of fuel. You try not to laugh (he’s already had a rough night -whether he knows it or not!).
Sure thing, buddy! I’ll be there.
… in 27 minutes!!! HA!
Note: He ended up getting gas from a passer-by
…and perhaps from the Mexican food? — who knows, it all “ran right through him!” HA!
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LOL LOL Sorry Debbie, love your story telling.
Last night was quite interesting actually left me terrified at the single scene in Charleston ! I went to a wine bar last night for a “it’s just lunch” promotional dating service party. It turned out to be a complete meat market and cougar bar. People aged 25-65. Really scary actually. I graced elbows with a guy at the bar unintentionally and his response to me was (being completely serious!), “are you hitting on me?” I just laughed in his face and the bartender (who was really the only cute guy there) gave me a free glass of vino. I was horrified when I had to put my name in for a drawing because I did not want them to call out my name, but when I won a free facial, haircut, and make-up consult from a local spa- I was no longer bummed. At least I walked out of there with something- even though it wasn’t a man! Looking to move to Alaska and starting the salmon run in the spring. Wish me luck….
Amity Wicks says
I also once had a guy show up to take me out in royal blue sweat pants, a turtle neck, and a members only jacket. Um, in 1995. Holding on to the glory days, I guess. Oh, and I almost got sick with his rev up-slow down driving on the freeway. Awesome.
cheristina m says
Debbie this is awesome props to you for finishing out the date! And answering his call after the fact
I love these stories! The dating scene is a rather scary place these days. You are a brave girl…I do not think I could have answered the phone after the date ended. 🙂
Number Nine is not necessarily an indicator of a bad date. The rest of it though, YIKES.
Dear God I can not stop laughing!!!!!!!
Debbie Smith says
HA! Glad I can do that for you, Theresa! xo